Ostracism can cause a real pain!
Is it really worth it?
Whether it gets called ostracism, rejection, dissing or whatever, the effects of silent treatment can be hard to take.
Click for 'Why rejection hurts: a common neural alarm system for physical and social pain' by Naomi Eisenberger and Matthew Lieberman http://www.neuro-psa.org.uk/download/rejection.pdf
Ostracism: The Cruel Power of Silence, an All in the Mind radio interview http://www.abc.net.au/rn/science/mind/stories/s1066040.htm
Kipling Williams has researched ostracism and its effects, and you can search on Google or any search engine for details on his work. Some books he has authored are available from Amazon:
'The Social Outcast: Ostracism, Social Exclusion, Rejection, and Bullying' by Kipling D. Williams, Joseph P. Forgas, William Von Hippel'Ostracism: The Power of Silence' by Kipling D. Williams
Also see: 'Don't Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection' by Elayne Savage
Amazon often have second-hand books which are much cheaper!
You can read up about books and authors without having to buy
Scapegoating and ostracism have similarities:
Someone or some people can get blamed or ignored
- as if they did something wrong, or there's something different about them
Actually it can happen to anyone, and for no particular reason
It can be quite hard to change the pattern. Get some support if you can, and read up on it for yourself
The Royalist forces of King Charles I (were pitted) against the Parliamentarian armies of Oliver Cromwell. Coventry; a Parliamentarian stronghold said to have been used to house hundreds of Royalist prisoners captured by Cromwell's forces. A Royalist in Coventry would, no doubt, have been very unpopular, so "to be sent to Coventry" came to be a popular saying meaning, "to be ostracized." It has also been suggested that Coventry was used as a place of execution during the same period, in which case "to be sent to Coventry" signaled a fate somewhat worse than having no one to talk to.
In 1642 Charles I was suspected of being a Catholic in secret. Consequently he and Parliament frequently clashed. In the end the king left London and established an army, as did Parliament. These events sowed the seeds for the English Civil War. However it wasn't until almost a century after the English Civil Wars that the idiom was used to describe a person who was to be excluded from a circle of friends. The first occurrence of it used in this manner in print was recorded in 1765, and is generally taken to refer to the Civil War.
A third likelihood is a popular explanation is that the name Coventry is a derivative of a Covin-tree from feudal times and thought to be an oak which stood in front of the castle for hanging criminals. Used as a gallows, those to be executed were "sent to the covin-tree."
Still popular among the British labor unions today the phrase is used to punish strikebreakers. A powerful tool for social pressure, the person sent to Coventry is given the silent treatment until they eventually give up and resign.
Dissing, Splits & Divides see www.docmatrix.me.uk/dissingsplitsdivides.html
Domestic Violence, bullying, coercive relationships
Groups, Cults, Beliefs, Scams including books, articles, links on relevant behaviour
Ostracism can cause a real Pain! Scroll down for the meaning of sent to Coventry!
Safety Tips & Books; Safety Videos
Scapegoating, Abuse & One-Upmanship article
Social Engineering - strategies from the computer environment, and used generally,
to gain information or to manipulate - often via 'social compliance'
Stalking, Harassment & Bullying including in the workplace
Survivor Links and Supporting a Survivor of Abuse
ANGER - 'Some people can't control their anger, other people can't begin to express it.' Evening Standard
'Beating Anger': Where your anger comes from, How to recognise your type of anger, the four key triggers of anger' by Mike Fisher
'Managing Anger' by Gael Lindenfield
'Releasing Anger' by Liz Adamson
Factors in Violence for those
STRESS & HEALTH
'Teach Yourself: Managing Stress' by Terry Looker & Olga Gregson
'Stress Management 10 Minute Guide' by Jeff Davidson
'Thrive on Stress' by Jan Sutton
'Living with Stress' by Cary L Cooper, Rachel D Cooper, Lynn M Baker
'Stress, Cognition & Health' by Tony Cassidy
'Parents Who Kill' by Carole Anne Davis - includes Resources to help parents understand
TRAUMA 8 POST TRAUMA STRESS
'Coping with Life's Traumas' by Gladeana McMahon
'Post Trauma Stress - a Personal Guide for dealing with and recovering from post-trauma stress' by Frank Parkinson
The following is summarised from 'Beating Anger' by Mike Fisher
'The Eight Golden Rules of Anger Management' page 219
1. Back off, stop, think, take a look at the big picture;
2. It's OK to have a different opinion;
3. Listen actively;
4. Use your emotional support network;
5. Keep an anger management journal;
6. Don't take things personally;
7. Let go of expectations;
8. Anger by appointment only, which helps the 'exploder' to contain, and the 'imploder' to assert themselves:
'When we speak in the heat of the moment, we are likely to be regressed, and what comes out of our mouths...
is often designed to hurt, maim, wound.'
The reason for brief summaries and lists of books is to show CHANGES CAN BE MADE to behaviour -
We do not ALL have to believe that NOTHING can be changed! Try to read something on the subject, see what you think, find what suits YOU best