Ostracism can cause a real pain!

Is it really worth it?

Whether it gets called ostracism, rejection, dissing or whatever, the effects of silent treatment can be hard to take.

Click for 'Why rejection hurts: a common neural alarm system for physical and social pain' by Naomi Eisenberger and Matthew Lieberman http://www.neuro-psa.org.uk/download/rejection.pdf

Ostracism: The Cruel Power of Silence, an All in the Mind radio interview http://www.abc.net.au/rn/science/mind/stories/s1066040.htm

Kipling Williams has researched ostracism and its effects, and you can search on Google or any search engine for details on his work. Some books he has authored are available from Amazon:
'The Social Outcast: Ostracism, Social Exclusion, Rejection, and Bullying' by Kipling D. Williams, Joseph P. Forgas, William Von Hippel'Ostracism: The Power of Silence' by Kipling D. Williams
Also see: 'Don't Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing with Rejection' by Elayne Savage

Amazon often have second-hand books which are much cheaper! You can read up about books and authors without having to buy

http://everything2.com/title/sent+to+Coventry

The Royalist forces of King Charles I (were pitted) against the Parliamentarian armies of Oliver Cromwell. Coventry; a Parliamentarian stronghold said to have been used to house hundreds of Royalist prisoners captured by Cromwell's forces. A Royalist in Coventry would, no doubt, have been very unpopular, so "to be sent to Coventry" came to be a popular saying meaning, "to be ostracized." It has also been suggested that Coventry was used as a place of execution during the same period, in which case "to be sent to Coventry" signaled a fate somewhat worse than having no one to talk to.

In 1642 Charles I was suspected of being a Catholic in secret. Consequently he and Parliament frequently clashed. In the end the king left London and established an army, as did Parliament. These events sowed the seeds for the English Civil War. However it wasn't until almost a century after the English Civil Wars that the idiom was used to describe a person who was to be excluded from a circle of friends. The first occurrence of it used in this manner in print was recorded in 1765, and is generally taken to refer to the Civil War.

A third likelihood is a popular explanation is that the name Coventry is a derivative of a Covin-tree from feudal times and thought to be an oak which stood in front of the castle for hanging criminals. Used as a gallows, those to be executed were "sent to the covin-tree."

Still popular among the British labor unions today the phrase is used to punish strikebreakers. A powerful tool for social pressure, the person sent to Coventry is given the silent treatment until they eventually give up and resign.

GROUPS

GROUPS and personal relationships can have coercive or cult-like qualities, and it can be difficult to see them for what they are and to get help and understanding.  Influence can include a subtle and more seductive approach than something more obviously controlling or obtrusive. More information on the Groups, Cults, Scams page.

Social/Group Aspects Page on this Website. It includes some more Cult-related links, plus links on Con-Tricks, Scams & Deceptions. You can see more on this on the BBC Website 'The Real Hustle'

Visit http://www.rickross.com for a lead-in to information on coercive personal relationships including Cults, a Forum & Booklist.
For Groups, Cults, Indoctrination, Exiting click HERE
For Scapegoating & Abuse click HERE

Some 'Guidelines for Seeking Help' in a more general sense are HERE

 

Dissing, Splits & Divides see www.docmatrix.me.uk/dissingsplitsdivides.html

Domestic Violence, bullying, coercive relationships

Groups, Cults, Beliefs, Scams including books, articles, links on relevant behaviour

Ostracism can cause a real Pain! Scroll down for the meaning of sent to Coventry!

Safety Tips & Books; Safety Videos

Scapegoating, Abuse & One-Upmanship article

Social Engineering - strategies from the computer environment, and used generally, to gain information or to manipulate - often via 'social compliance'

Stalking, Harassment & Bullying including in the workplace

Survivor Links and Supporting a Survivor of Abuse

The following is summarised from 'Beating Anger' by Mike Fisher
'The Eight Golden Rules of Anger Management' page 219

1. Back off, stop, think, take a look at the big picture;
2. It's OK to have a different opinion;
3. Listen actively;
4. Use your emotional support network;
5. Keep an anger management journal;
6. Don't take things personally;
7. Let go of expectations;
8. Anger by appointment only, which helps the 'exploder' to contain, and the 'imploder' to assert themselves:
'When we speak in the heat of the moment, we are likely to be regressed, and what comes out of our mouths...
is often designed to hurt, maim, wound.'

The reason for brief summaries and lists of books is to show CHANGES CAN BE MADE to behaviour - We do not ALL have to believe that NOTHING can be changed! Try to read something on the subject, see what you think, find what suits YOU best

Ann Rule has written many true crime books, not only about women who suffer or die at the hands of people they know or who are complete strangers, but about men who do too. Her website is www.annrules.com

'But I Trusted You and other true cases'

'Too Late to Say Goodbye' - 'To all women who are living in fear of recrimination and stalking, in a kind of captivity, at the hands of men they once loved and trusted'

'Smoke, Mirrors and Murder' - Writing about 'pathological jealousy' Ann Rule says 'A woman in this kind of relationship is caught in a cage - as sure as if she were actually hemmed in by iron bars... What they once believed was true love was really their partners' need to control them.'

'Although SH and her children are safe, there are... women and children who are not. They are somewhere along the inexorable progression from the promise of love to disappointment to isolation to emotional abuse to fear to loss of hope... It shouldn't be that way.'

Visit the False page at Whorls for links on:
False confessions, Eye witnesses; Miscarriages of Justice;
Allegations of abuse, Memories; Therapy Culture;

Finding Middle Ground, Mediation